McCain vs. Obama. It's the battle of the century, or at least of the last four years.

With all the talk in the news being about these two, one would think that they are the only two candidates running for president this fall. In reality there are dozens. Some of them take the campaign very seriously, despite the futility of their candidacy, because they have important issues to talk about. Other candidates make me wonder if democracy was really just a joke a bunch of drunk Athenians played on their friends that got a little carried away.

Presidential elections are like the dinner menu on a cross-continental flight, candidates being meals, and the lady pushing the cart being the media.

She says you have a choice between the chicken or the fish (the Republican and the Democrat). She doesn't tell you about the Vegan dish (candidates from well-established third parties like the Greens or Libertarians). You have to ask for it specifically. She also doesn't tell you about all the nuts that are in the bottom drawer of the cart. After all, there are some on every flight.

One of those nuts is Jack Grimes of the United Fascist Union. Aside from promoting linguistic redundancy in the names of obscure political parties, the UFU was created to promote the “economic theories and political ideologies of Benito Mussolini and Saddam Hussein,” according to their Web site.

Grimes points out on his Web site that the UFU isn't about racism like many other neo-fascist parties in the US, but using the power of the state to improve the lives of everyday Americans. That and replacing Christianity with the Olympian gods of ancient Rome (especially Saturn, whom Grimes calls “Satan” because that's less likely to be misunderstood) and establishing a new Roman Empire on the American continent. They also want to enact and enforce strict rules of public conduct and censorship of the press.

You think I'm kidding? I swear I'm not, but I don't know about Grimes. His photo on the UFU Web site depicts him in what looks like a plastic helmet from a Roman Centurion Halloween costume with a look on his face halfway between the cocky smugness of Mussolini and a guy who feels bummed because the SS forgot his birthday.

On the complete opposite end of the spectrum is a man who feels the government has way too much power. That man is Charles Jay, the presidential candidate of not one but two parties: the Personal Choice Party and the Boston Tea Party. Both are made up of disgruntled libertarians who apparently didn't find RON PAUL to be crazy enough. Just take the official platform of the Tea Party.

“The Boston Tea Party supports reducing the size, scope and power of government at all levels and on all issues, and opposes increasing the size, scope and power of government at any level, for any purpose.”

That's right – for ANY purpose. The Tea Party seems to think that it would be an abuse of a government's power it to open a new elementary school.

Like many minor-party candidates, Jay has run for office before. In 2004, he left the Libertarian Party to be the Personal Choice Party's candidate (the Boston Tea Party wasn't around yet) and selected former porn star Marilyn Chambers as his running mate. He received 946 votes, according to the Federal Election Commission. This year he's back with the Tea Party's founder, Thomas Knapp, as his vice president.

Jay doesn't just have the support of a few hundred nuts to support his candidacy. He also has experience. He is a former color commentator for boxing matches, sports reporter, casino industry consultant and writer of two books on how to win at blackjack. In other words, he has as much experience to run the country as Sarah Palin.

Some minor candidates run on a single issue, usually something so obscure or unpopular that no major party would even talk about it. Among these candidates is Gene Amondson, a resident of Vashon Island and the candidate of the Prohibition Party. He has one goal: to rid this nation of the evils of alcoholic beverages.

Visit his campaign Web site and you can watch a video of him proclaiming why the thirteen years after the passing of the 18th Amendment were America's best years: he claims our prisons emptied and liver cirrhosis rates dropped. He doesn't mention the whole rise of the mob thing, but he does have a catchy slogan. “Vote tradition. Vote prohibition.” He received 1,944 votes in 2004.

His campaign Web site doubles as a site for his many other projects, including his wedding chapel (for $200 you can rent his chapel, a spacious 9 foot by 11 shed. For another $200, you can rent Amondson, an ordained minister) his artwork and his car. He claims his car (with a vanity plate that reads “VOTEDRY”) runs on a new alternative fuel: distilled water. I'm not a chemist or a conspiracy theorist, so don't ask me how that's supposed to work.

If you asked him, I'm sure he wouldn't want millions of American cars running on ethanol. The winos could get their fix by sucking on gas pumps.

The constitution requires a candidate for president to be 35 years old, a resident of the US for the last 14 years and born within our borders. Although this disqualifies yours truly (I was born a few miles across the border in BC), it doesn't disqualify

individuals who are not members of the species homo sapiens. As such, there is little to stop a dog from joining the fray.

If you don't think people would vote for a dog, think again. In San Juan County, only a few miles from Bellingham, a golden retriever named Gus received 28 write-in votes in a county commissioner election in 2004. We're talking the San Juans here. There aren't enough people in that county to fill Safeco Field. Getting 28 votes is close enough for a recount.

Gus recently announced via press release that he is running for president. He's 7, which is 49 in dog years, and thus he meets the qualifications set by the constitution.

At least there won't be any sex scandals if Gus wins this November: he's been fixed.

There are many reasons these men and animals seek office outside of the normal political system time and again. Part of it is sheer vanity. Part of it is because they would get crushed in any traditional primary.

But it’s also due to their visions. These candidates have visions that most Americans simply don't believe in. Call me naïve, but I like to think that Americans don't want to be forced to worship Satan, lose the right to drink or clean up their president's poop when they take him out for walks.

I'll pass on the nuts, miss, and I'll have the fish.

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